After the tragedy of last season, -and yes I consider the fact Eric Northman broke the core traits of his book character to be a tragedy since the real vampire viking god does not say “I love you” after a week of shagging! – I will readily admit I want to torch a whole lot of the remaining Alan Ball cold mess that is called True Blood, starting with a nice sloughing off of quite a few major characters. Perhaps a good culling could save my once beloved show from slipping even further into irrelevancy than it already has, as well as tighten up the overload of meandering plot lines,.. though I doubt it. And sure, I do get a lot of schadenfreude out of this list, but hey a girl can dream, right?
So with that out of the way, here is who I think should die in Season 5 and why:
First up, some honorable mentions, neither of which probably will ever die much to my displeasure.
8. Lafayette – Lala, Who Dat?
He is a far cry from the original character I fell in love with way back in the first season, that funny mean guy that would abandon his cousin at a party in order to get laid. Brow-chick-arow-row. This is mostly ever since they decided his knock-off Saints tank was no longer ironic. Now if only they’d make him a vampire and resolve this holier-than-thou trend.
7. Sookie – She’s Gone Rogue
Anna Paquin’s version of my favorite telepath is an embarrassment to Charlaine Harris’ book counterpart, even if the author will never criticize her beyond her dress size. People can tout “this is not the books” all they want, there is supposed to be some semblance of the source material here, otherwise why purchase the rights to these characters? So for Sookie to be degraded into a “dumb country bitch” to quote the show, True Blood has completely missed the mark of what the Southern Vampire Mysteries are about, ie Sookie’s character growth as she tries to find a place for herself in the supernatural world. Therefore it is fine by me if TB Sook bites it and then she can haunts us all even more.
And now here’s who I want to die for real.
6. Salome – Show Me the Politics
A new character this year and supposedly a “fierce” antagonist, which is telling in that the writers have painted themselves into a corner with power struggles, and political maneuvering just doesn’t cut it like it does in Charlaine Harris’ novels. Instead, people. must. die. Also, the writers seemed to have developed some severe issues with their characters that happen to be women, leading me to believe they won’t allow Salome to be smart and actionable. She’ll be “crazy” and “dumb.” Kill her and be done with it. Next.
5. Russell – There Will Be Blood
Oh I love Russell, don’t get me wrong, but see above. (Though obviously without the writers’ issues directed at women), I think the same political power-struggle vacuum applies to him too, as the only escape from villains proven to work on this show is the true death, see Frankie, Nan Flanagan, Queen SophieAnn, MaryAnn, Talbot, the Magister, Debbie Pelt, Marnie. Also, I fully believe True Blood has to consume a certain quota of corn syrup like they heavily invested in the stuff back when the stock market was good. The splatter machine must be respected.
4. Bill Compton – Die Hard, ASAP
He is whiney and droll and has been for awhile. But the sheer amount of plot that must be bent to his character on the show, despite the fact he was never represented in the books with such focus, is utterly annoying. Even more annoying is the amount of mythology they fluff over in order to do so. –I’m never getting past the inexplicable death of Sophie Ann! If Bill had been working for the Authority the prior three seasons, why then did he never call them in when he was previously in a life or death situation? What bogus writing just to keep one character relevant, and frankly, shoving him down our throats did not make the show any better. I wish he’d go away on a permanent Peruvian adventure, it just would make all our lives simpler.
3. Crystal – Karma is a Werepanther
Not so sure it is going to happen in Season 5 but definitely by Season 6, as I think we all know it is a matter of time before death catches up to Momma Panther. But for tragedy’s sake, the probability she will be pregnant with Jason’s spawn before that happens is good, and that means she needs a little more screen time. And that is one book item I do not see Ball and friends skipping over. My only hope is she takes out a few characters, *cough, Jessica, cough* along the way before she snuffs it.
2. Jessica – Baby Overboard
I don’t hate Jessica, but I’m over it. I’m over her perpetual virginity storyline, which of course is abandoned when convenient, see Sex With Jason. I’m over her red headed step child status and her troubled relationship with Vamp Daddy Bill. *roll.* Yet why I really want her to die is because she is holding on to the “Baby Vampire” mantel. Well, we can’t have two baby vamps at the same time, can we? No. With her still around, it is a safer bet Steve Newlin will be coming out of the closet than the casket. Above all, it is not supposed to be easy for a newly made vampire within the first year or so -this is consistent in just about all vampire lore,- and in comparison to how it should be, I would say she has had a cake walk.
1. Hoyt – Tying up Loose Ends
For Summer, I blame you Hoyt Fortenberry! For your high school guidance counselor, I blame you Hoyt Fortenberry! For that doll Chucky and the spirit lady inside it, I blame you Hoyt Fortenberry! Now this season they have cast coworkers who help you beat up Jason?? I blame you for all the useless tangental plots that go absolutely nowhere. Okay, maybe not all of them, maybe that’s not fair, but let’s face it, the best part of Season 4, (that wasn’t Skarsbutt), was believing if only for a minute that Jessica did kill you.
Well, looks like my job here is done for the day. Comments, thoughts, raging theories on why your precious characters should survive the true axe? Sound off below!
Serena writes for Sookieverseblog and kissed by fire, a Game of Thrones & ASOIAF blog. You can also find her on Twitter @kissed_by_fire .