This roundup and the South Park episodes contain a few spoilers for the show and books, so beware if you choose to enter!
If you didn’t get to see South Park’s epic send-up of HBO’s Game of Thrones, we have a wrap-up for you with some clips and a few observations. There are lots of little Easter Eggs I didn’t get into– like the music, which they’ve composed to sound close to Game of Thrones, but not too close. It may pay to have this on your DVR in HD– there are lots of little things about the characters and in the background you won’t want to miss. Stan’s helmet seems to have a stag on it– but as an astute male observer pointed out to me, from another angle it kind of looked like a vagina. There are lots of homages and little references all over if you know where to look– especially in George ARRG ARRG Martin’s house. You can get all kinds of extra info @SouthPark on Twitter, and you can watch all the episodes for free at SouthParkStudios.com.
At the South Park Mall (representing The Wall), mall security guards (the Night’s Watch) are holding a briefing next to a sign talking about Black Friday Deals– it even says “Winter is Coming!” The artists seem to have gone out of their way to make sure the guards all looked like dweebs, rat-faced inbreds and losers, too. I don’t know if they’re trying to say something about mall cops, the Night’s Watch or both. One of them is missing a hand from last year’s Black Friday massacre (Jaime?).
Randy Marsh, Stan’s bumbling dad, has taken a security job for extra cash this year, but he doesn’t take it too seriously. (I think Randy is the stand-in for Jon Snow.) The mall security captain (Jeor Mormont) warns them that they must stick together and take Black Friday seriously if they are to survive.
Randy shares a quick nip of booze from a flask with a guard who clearly has a raging case of PTSD. The guard tells of the horrors of Black Fridays past, guzzling alcohol like it’s the only thing that can take away the pain. He talks about how it was the captain who saved them at the last minute, but Randy still isn’t taking this very seriously.
Meanwhile, Cartman (Littlefinger?) has gathered all the boys in the community together in his basement to discuss a way to get the new Xbox Ones on the cheap using the mall’s Black Friday promotion. By using wooden sword and forming an army, the kids can be the first 30 people inside the mall and can buy whatever they want at 80% off. Wow, 80% off? I’d get an army too. Lady McKormick (as Daenerys Targaryen), formerly Kenny, is the only “girl” playing. I guess there are no girl gamers in South Park. This kind of a scheme would have been right up my alley, too. :-P Cartman needs more allies, but he says he will never play with those Star Trek dorks.
Tom and Tammy Thompson, South Park’s popular TV news anchor team, do a story on Black Friday to help spread the word, but that’s not all Tammy is spreading. We’ll hear more from them in the next episode.
Are women intimidated by wieners? Or is Butters just obsessed with wieners? Butters has never seen Game of Thrones before, and has just started watching the show so he can play with the other kids to win the Xbox discounts. He observes that almost every time they show a wiener, it’s in a gay love scene. He speculates that this is because “gay wieners are less threatening to women viewers,” and he feels that he could do with “less gay wiener.” Later, Butters laments that when they do show a straight wiener, it’s “all soft and floppy.”
I found this really interesting because the only wiener I remember seeing on the show is Hodor’s. I don’t remember if it was soft and floppy; I just remember that it was ginormous. I’m sure they’ve shown others, but I haven’t been keeping close track. HBOWatch ran an article and discussion on the showing of wieners not so long ago, and I don’t think anyone mentioned being intimidated by them. Does Butters have a valid point? Or is this just South Park being South Park?
Cartman arrives at the training camp to announce new alliances in the quest for cheap Xboxes, but not everyone is on the same page. The army splits into Xbox and Playstation 4 armies. Stan breaks off into the PS4 rebellion as Robb Stark. Stan says he told them all along that he wanted a PS4, but they didn’t listen because “that’s how Xbox people are.” You know, when I play games, I only do desktop stuff, but I can totally believe that people fight over crap like this.
Randy gets home in the middle of the night, and Sharon, playing the Ygritte expy, is waiting up to call him out on his wacky behavior. Isn’t Ygritte always calling Jon Snow out on something? If Sharon said “You know nothing, Randy Marsh,” it would totally fit with just about every stupid plot he’s ever been front and center in. Randy swears he’s just trying to make extra holiday cash, but Sharon gets him to admit that he’s just in it to be at the front of the line on Black Friday. “Winter is coming, Sharon, and I’m a sneaky little bee. Buzz, buzz.”
Big Dong and Prosper: Now that the army has split into two factions, Cartman must recruit everyone he can find– including those Star Trek dorks and the kindergarteners. But the Sony PS4 army may not be their biggest problem. A hot new Elmo toy is being released on Black Friday that will make the run for the mall entrance even more brutal: (Video NSFW)
The mall cop captain isn’t pleased with this development either as Black Friday shoppers (representing wights) begin to claw at the mall windows and beat the glass with their fists. The Captain makes them line up in an orderly manner behind the rope, but they’re not going to be content for long.
Cartman takes Lady McKormick into the Garden of Betrayal for some Talks of Betrayal. Cartman is concerned about Kyle defecting to the PS4 side, and wants Lady McKormick to promise to “have Kyle taken care of,” because this is all about the two of them getting Xboxes, and the others are just there to help them get inside the doors. Sneaky sneaky Littlefinger…
Stan isn’t having much luck recruiting for the PS4 crowd, so he has to come up with a new plan. What would they do on Game of Thrones? Why, they’d cut to a gratuitous, graphic sex scene of course! The president of Sony gets a fake flier from Stan’s camp telling them all about Cartman’s plan for Xboxes, so Sony counters with a fabulous PS4 Black Friday Bundle, called the Brack Friday Bunduru. Now the Xbox kids are doubting themselves and their chosen consoles.
Randy is window shopping at the mall when the captain tells us even more things to endear himself to Randy and the audience. His son died on a Black Friday long ago, and this is supposed to be his last Black Friday before he retires. Aww, everybody likes him! The mall has decided to no longer allow people to wait in line for Black Friday, so the mall cops try to hand out wrist bands, but the crowd gets violent. During the fighting a yuppie fatally stabs the captain to get a wristband. Randy is devastated. “But you can’t die! Everybody likes you!” (That never happens on GOT, does it?) He leaves Randy in command of the Watch and gives him his fake eye scar (nothing is sacred on this show).
With more people in the PS4 army, Stan reveals their new leader– Lady McKormick, now Princess Kenny.
A Song of Ass and Fire
OK, first off, the voiceover in the beginning is NOT Emilia Clarke. They have a new voice actress in the credits listed. I don’t know if it’s the noob or someone else on staff, but it’s not Ms. Clarke. Anyway Princess Kenny does this opening monologue about picking the right gaming system, winter is coming, her right to be recognized as a real princess, war is coming, Black Friday, blah blah blah, this goes on and on pointlessly much like the bookscharacters do at timesthe showthis recap congress.
Cartman is training his troops, but morale is low. Cartman must call Microsoft to get help before things fall apart. As South Park’s Wizard King, he manages to contact Eric Ballmer, Microsoft’s CEO, who is the only one who isn’t in a panic about the pending console war in South Park. Console wars are just silly, and he’s sure they will get the market share they want. Bill Gates doesn’t like this, and in true Game of Thrones style, he has his henchmen fatally stab Ballmer. Gates says there can be only one gaming device, and he can’t have idiots like Ballmer screwing that up. The way he pours himself a glass of wine and tells his men to “clean that shit up” as he walks out– priceless.
Tom and Tammy Thompson, South Park’s popular TV news anchors, report another casualty at the mall– another mall cop has been killed by violent shoppers. The mall announces that they will increase the discount on Black Friday to 90% in the officer’s honor. Randy must take the bullhorn and control the crowds to keep the shoppers off of mall property even as they have a memorial service for their fallen comrade.
Cartman believes the key to knowing how to deal with Princess Kenny is knowing what happens with the dragons in the later books. Butters has watched all three seasons, and is frustrated because they keep promising dragons, but all he gets are floppy wieners in his face. Cartman has to know what happens when the dragons show up, so he sends Butters and diabetic Scott to New Mexico to Find George ARRG ARRG Martin for answers.
Cartman’s Walks in the Garden of Batrayal: -Taking Butters for a stroll to send him on a reconnaissance mission to George ARRG ARRG Martin’s house for GOT spoilers -A walk with Kyle to convince him to get Stan grounded, because it’s not fair that Stan’s dad Randy has an inside connection working for mall security. -A walk with Bill Gates, who turns the tables on Cartman and seems to take the role of Littlefinger for himself… But who is Cartman in the GOT universe? Maybe he’s Tywin Lannister— We’ll have to find out in Part Three.
Butters and Scott find George ARRG ARRG Martin, who happily invites them in to his phallus-decorated mansion to discuss what happens in the rest of the books, promising to order pizza. Martin discusses wieners at great length, even leading a men’s chorus in a song about wieners, until diabetic Scott is ready to pass out.
He keeps talking about wieners, but the pizza never arrives. In fact, he never ordered it in the first place! You’ve never felt like that reading the books or watching the series, have you? When Butters finally says they have to leave because they have to be there for Black Friday, Martin says not to worry– he can take care of that with a few phone calls, because he really wants to tell them what happens to all those wieners.
Back in Colorado, top news anchors Tom and Tammy Thompson are having some gratuitous sex (!) when a co-worker walks in on them. He says Bill gates can promise them a bigger war on Black Friday if they play along. It’s good for the news to have a bigger show, but Tom and Tammy don’t want to make the story bigger for ratings, until the reporter threatens to reveal their relationship to everyone in the news room.
So Colorado’s top rated BROTHER AND SISTER news team, sitting in tonight for Jaime and Cersei, report on Bill Gates arming Cartman’s Xbox army. However he’s only issuing one gun per soldier, because his biggest concern is safety.
Cartman’s army marches through town, carrying Cartman on one of those… I don’t know what. It’s a royalty VIP carrier thingee. There’s a name for those things and I don’t know what it is. They meet with Princess Kenny and speak to her through Stan, who serves as her interpreter, and they all exchange some smacktalk.
In Japan, the TV news reporter is having MORE gratuitous sex with the president of Sony. Renly and Loras? Anyway. the reporter tells the Sony executive that there has to be something he can give to the PS4 army to help them even the odds. The president opens a box. They both look inside and agree that the contents will give the PS4 army the edge they need. (Please please PLEASE don’t let it be a wiener…)
Apparently people can just hop from one time zone to another in the South Park World, because suddenly the Sony President is in Princess Kenny’s back yard. He presents Princess Kenny with the box, and it’s…
NOT A WIENER! It’s a heart-shaped pin that will make Kenny a real princess! Whew, that was close! I honestly thought it was going to be a wiener. The way this show is, I really thought it was going to be somebody’s most gloriously severed vosnocker. I thought in some kind of insane troll logic in that Sony President’s head he had decided that a severed dong was what Princess Kenny needed to be a real Princess.
From there the show jumps into an anime-style sequence that doesn’t really make sense– not that anime ever does. I’m really only a fan of Hetalia and I don’t mean to diss anyone’s hobby, but some of that stuff is certifiably weird.
Meanwhile, on the wall at the mall, the mall cops are ready to face Black Friday, but it’s been delayed by George ARRG ARRG Martin, who has delayed Thanksgiving as well. In honor of the change, the mall has decided to offer 96% off to the first 100 people inside the mall. The people waiting outside appear ready to rumble as the local news predicts a blood bath when Black Friday finally comes in Part Three– Titties and Dragons.
Titties and Dragons
This episode opens with more anime with no translation– use your best guess, just like on the show when you haven’t done the homework and note-taking from the previous episodes. (Believe me, GOT is a show that requires homework.) They shoehorn in enough Engrish English with stupid facial expressions that you can figure out what’s going on. Princess Kenny is at Sony offices in Japan and everybody loves her. Princess Kenny doesn’t really do anything, but all problems seem to solve themselves when she shows up– she can even stop a Microsoft blockade of Sony ships taking PS4s to America.
The Red Robin Wedding: Princess Kenny seems to have Black Friday all wrapped up, but Kyle convinces Cartman to go along with the ultimate betrayal. The back entrance to the mall is at the Red Robin– which can be reserved for wedding parties. If they can convince the PS4 army that they’re playing along, they can convince them to all pitch in for the wedding party, then lock the PS4 kids in the restaurant while they go get Xboxes for themselves. Cartman agrees. Perhaps he is Tywin, having lost the title of Littlefinger to Bill Gates in the last episode. For any red wedding, it takes a Tywin Lannister. (Besides, Cartman once died on a toilet, too.)
Cartman sends a letter to Princess Kenny inviting her to the Red Robin Wedding to stand united for PS4. Princess Kenny is overjoyed, and everyone in Sony Animeland bids her a tearful farewell. Diabetic Scott, Butters and George ARRG ARRG Martin all head back to Colorado for the grand opening of South Park Mall on Black Friday– not in cars, but on horseback. Why? Because horses have one thing that cars don’t: WIENERS.
Cartman and Stan in the Garden of Betrayal: Cartman takes one more walk in the Garden with Stan, but it proves to be his undoing. The older guy who owns the yard is tired of Cartman using his garden for betrayal, and tells Stan everything. Cartman swears vengeance, and gets it. He takes a dump in the man’s garden and blames it on Stan. Stan gets grounded for Cartman’s revenge and never gets to warn any of his PS4 army that the Xbox kids are going to lock them in Red Robin and betray them.
At Red Robin as they prepare for the Red Robin Wedding (sorry; I just love saying Red Robin Wedding), Kyle is horrified when Cartman reveals that he got Stan grounded so that they could carry out their plan. Kyle leaves to talk to Stan through his bedroom door, and they’ve thrown in some small touches, down to a tin cup and cold wind blowing in through tattered curtains to make it look like Stan is in a GOT dungeon. The boys don’t work anything out.
More mall cops have died in the pre-Black Friday frenzy, and Randy has had enough after the last guy got beheaded. He is sick of getting invested in people’s personal lives and backstories and having them die! (Hmm… sounds familiar!) He says they are going to stick together and not panic! One mall cop breaks down and runs from his post, which apparently is carries a sentence of death, just like the Night’s Watch, because Randy shoots him with a bow and arrow. Randy immediately sobs, “NOOO! NOOO! EVERYBODY REALLY LIKED HIM! ARRG!!!”
George ARRG ARRG Martin has arrived to open the mall, but first, he has a few stories and limericks about wieners to share with the crowd, and the shoppers groan. Inside Red Robin, the “united” kids cheer as Cartman toasts Princess Kenny. He’s keeping an eye on the mall doors, which haven’t opened yet because the wiener poems just won’t stop, and shoppers are getting more agitated than ever. THEN…
Kyle takes over Red Robin with a few turncoats and declares that he is going to get Stan a PS4 because he never should have betrayed him. Then Bill Gates and the Sony president both show up to declare they are the winners. If that’s not enough, then Stan locks the Red Robin doors and says no one is getting anything because Sony and Microsoft are using them all to get publicity and sales, and challenges Gates and Sony Guy to fight themselves.
Gates has a gun, so naturally they go mano a mano, and Gates takes his shirt off. His tattoos are PRICELESS. If you hate both GOT and South Park, it was worth it for the tats. Gates wins and tells the kids to go get their Xboxes, but there is a small matter of getting through those doors…
During the most interesting smackdown in the history of animation, the crowd outside has gone mad with George ARRG ARRG Martin’s endless promises of an opening that never comes and his limitless supply of wiener poetry, but no one seems to know what to do about it. The yuppie who killed the captain in the first episode takes matters (and Martin’s wiener) into his own hands and stabs him CUTS HIS WIENER OFF, he cuts George OW OW Martin’s little dolphin OFF and probably left it in a box somewhere in South Park Mall! Focus on THAT, Tom and Tammy Thompson!
The shoppers flood the building, and like the reporters promised, it’s a bloodbath. People are killing each other to get Don’t Touch Me Elmos and other hot toys, and most of the mall cops are dead in the first wave of people to come through. Randy, however, is still alive.
Amidst all this, someone (probably Cartman) managed to call the mall cops to ask them to unlock the Red robin doors so that Tom Hanks and Beyoncé could get married. Initially Randy only wanted to get there because of Tom Hanks and Beyoncé, but when he finds out Stan is there, he makes is way there and opens the doors. Now the kids can finally go get their Xboxes.
The initial Black Friday frenzy is over, and blood, bodies, debris and destruction are everywhere. One lone Elmo doll amidst trash and body parts asks “Can Elmo smell your genitals?” (ARRG! NEED BRAIN BLEACH! VOMIT, VOMII, VOMUS!!) The kids go to the video game shop and buy their Xboxes as the Charlie Brown piano version of O Christmas Tree plays in the background. Randy is shown emerging from the chaos with a new flat screen TV.
But it’s a hollow victory for the kids of South Park, who are bored of their new consoles within a few minutes. Cartman laments all the fun they had without video games, and says all they need to have fun is a stick. This slides into a promo for South Park’s upcoming video game, The Stick of Truth. It’s really coming SOON. And if you believe that, Butters has a whole bunch of floppy wieners to show you.
You can grab all of the South Park seasons this holiday for a reasonable price over at Amazon. We’d love to see Trey and Matt put this Game of Thrones version out in it’s own set but that remains to be seen. Well played, boys!