True Blood 503: “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”

If I could sum up last night’s episode of True Blood in one word, it would be schizophrenic. Not necessarily a bad schizo, but it was jumpy nonetheless.

True-Blood-Season-5-203x300Let’s start with Tara. For the first time since season 5 began, we actually got more than five words out of Tara tonight. After fleeing Sookie’s (and NOT feeding on the first poor girl she came across), Tara sought refuge with Sam, in what I think was a strong choice and a nostalgic callback to the old relationship between them. After giving her copious amounts of True Blood and not really asking near enough questions in my opinion, Tara just passes out at Merlotte’s and Sam is forced to stash her in the walk-in freezer. Naturally. Everything comes to a head later that night when Tara emerges from her slumber, just as pissed as ever, and reveals to the room full of Arlene, Alcide, and Sam, that it was Sookie and Lafayette that got her in this mess in the first place. Again, in what I feel was a very under whelming reaction to A) Tara’s condition, and B) the revelation of how she got there (more or less), no one seems to ask enough questions. Which, I guess is what the rest of the season is for, but I still would have liked more of ANY kind of reaction to all of that excitement. Alcide just runs off in a huff, and we cut to Sookie telling him about killing Debbie. Well, that secret came out a lot faster than I thought it would, that’s for sure. Also, did anyone else think that was a really weird edit? We’re in Merlotte’s and then all of a sudden it’s like we’re catching Sookie mid-sentence. I don’t know; it was weird to me the way they handled that whole conversation. Nevertheless, Debbie’s parents are now in town looking for answers, bad accents and all, so this is sure to get hairy (pun intended) pretty quick. And one more thing, I was really hoping this would be the season we see Alcide and Sookie get it on (and it still may be), so I hope all this Debbie shit doesn’t rule that out altogether.

We leave Tara doing what Tara does best: self-sabotage. She breaks into a salon and sets about closing herself in a tanning bed and turning on the UV lights at full blast. If she wanted to kill herself, she knows much quicker ways to do it. So why this? Is she going to be a crazy masochistic vampire? Does she just want to punish herself, make her feel pain, now that she’s this “monster?” Who knows. Either way, Pam sense her progeny in danger, and ends the show in one of my favorite last lines EVER.

Pam-Sexy-205x300Speaking of Pam, we see the rest of her backstory leading up to Eric turning her, and it’s a fun one. Not only do we see how Eric and Pam’s romantic relationship got off the ground, we also see a very young vampire Bill and Lorena get totally OWNED by Eric. That was just delightful. In exchange for sleeping with Eric, she has him force Lorena and Bill to leave. Fair trade, I’d say. Only after their sexual escapades do we see Pam ask Eric to turn her, to which he declines. She won’t take no for an answer, and thus slashes her wrists, forcing an ultimatum on Eric: “Turn me, or watch me die.” See how they tied that in with Tara’s storyline finally? Cute.

Pam was on fire tonight, with her lightning fast texting to her bad ass attitude. After letting her bitch get the best of her in Fangtasia after Sookie came asking for help with Tara, Sookie fires back with her fairy powers, throwing Pam all the way across the bar (how embarrassing). Again, I’m going to call a saywhatNOW? Since when does Sookie just harness her powers that well without even the blink of an eye? I mean, I know she has gotten better at using her abilities, but that was like she’d been doing it her whole life, and was really good at it. No way. (Fact: I might be reading more into this than I should; sue me.)

Also making a questionable appearance at Fangtasia was HOYT IN EYELINER. So yeah, there’s that. (For the record, I don’t know that I like what they’re doing with Hoyt’s character now that he’s just a bitter asshole. I don’t want to see him act like that, but I don’t want to see him leave the show either. I’m just worried that now that he’s not with Jessica and he’s not friends with Jason that he’s going to lose his place as a relevant character. But for that matter, Jason is becoming slightly irrelevant too, so who knows.)

Speaking of Jason, arg. Tonight’s storyline was so obvious. He’s tried this countless other times–trying to own up to something bigger than himself instead of bangin’ anything with a vagina and two legs. But it hasn’t worked out for him so far. The one time he tried to actually do good, he ended up in that shithole of a plot with Crystal, which has thankfully been ignored. (However, did anyone else catch the reaction from his old teacher’s cat? Was that foreshadowing of Jason’s panther destiny? I might be reading into that one too much too…)

true-blood-season-5-episode-2-review-300x166Now to the meat of the episode: Eric and Bill. Still under lock and key (and a handy-dandy instant death vampire version of an ankle monitor) at the Authority headquarters, the dynamic duo is seduced by Roman’s right hand, Salome. (Yes, that one from the Bible.) Salome beds both Eric and Bill separately, trying to uncover their true motivations. She then reports back to Roman, who seems disappointed that they didn’t turn out to be Sanguinistas. Speaking of those bastards, turns out Nora is one. (Or is she?) This is all just kind of meh for me; I like Nora, but so far all this talk about the Sanguinistas with no real threat has made this storyline a bit of a snooze. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of an all-out war between the Authority/humans/Sanguinistas would be a lot of fun (and a different kind of messy than the witch debacle). So far though, I’m still just waiting for Russell’s glorious return to get my juices going.

Are they bringing back fairies? Sure seemed that way after Jessica nearly fell over herself just to get a sniff of the fella in the clothing store. I wish they wouldn’t bring that storyline back just yet. In the books, it’s really interesting and political and nasty good fun. But it’s too much to try to bring the fae storyline back while also introducing us to the Sanguinistas while introducing us to Tara the Vampire while introducing us to Nora while dealing with Debbie Pelt’s murder while waiting for Russell to return. Know what I mean? Just wait till season 6.

Bonus: Tina Majorino (Napoleon Dynamite) working for the Authority. Rad.

Inside the Episode, “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”


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