True Blood Season 7: Love Is To Die

Well Truebies, we’ve made it through 79 episodes of our vampire/fairy/werewolf/shifter/Maenad/insert supernatural creature here show. That’s 79 episodes of Sookie, Bill, Lafayette, Arlene, and Jason. I’m sure there are a few others who have been around but I don’t remember them appearing in every episode (sorry Eric and Pam!). The beginning of this season had hope and a bit of redemption; by now, it’s so muddled that apparently people only breathe long enough to curse and then talk in fake southern accents (us real Southerners know). So last week, we said goodbye to Tara and went on an insane head trip that, as Marc said last week, validates her addictions and ruined her storyline. Way to go, writers! (yeah that’s MAJOR sarcasm). Also, Bill wants to die – truly! – because all he could give Sookie is darkness. Okay…. It only took you seven years and a baby of darkness for this, Bill? Sheesh. Other shenanigans occur and we ended with Eric, Pam, Sookie, Jessica, and Bill looking at Salvation a.k.a. Sarah “Numi/NewMe” Newlin. Will Bill drink? Dun-dun-duuuun.

Good news! We do have a surprise in store for all of you who have been with HBO and us for all 79 episodes: next week, we at HBOWatch (meaning Rhiannon Kavity, Marc Price, MJ Snow, Tamara Winfrey, and yours truly) are doing a group review of the series finale. How exactly will we do that? With a little supernatural magic of our own.

And now, the bad news, er, episode review! Bill is still going through his dramatic throes of wanting to die. It reminds me of a poor performance of “Hamlet” where the actor is trying not laugh at how depressed Hamlet is with “To be or not to be.” I think Stephen Moyer is all but done and calling in his performance at this point.

Even Sookie is crying at all the actors giving up on the show.

Speaking of calling in a performance, what the hell is going on with Sam? He leaves a touching letter for Sookie and another for Andy that said he resigned as mayor (He was still mayor? What happened to the people at the beginning of the season who wanted him to give up being mayor? And what happened to the people of Bon Temps? Oh, wait, I forgot: Don’t think of plot while watching “True Blood.”) We get flashbacks of him packing his car with Nicole and they leave Bon Temps, the only place he ever felt at home. Yeah, he may be Mayor of Crazytown, but it was his Crazytown, damn it! I really like Sam throughout the series but those warm and fuzzies are now gone for good. Also, anyone else wonder if Nicole’s kid is even his? She was going around with that group protesting for rights for supernaturals, gets caught up with Sam, sleeps with him after about two days, is pregnant after four days (what do cells going through mitosis smell like exactly, Sam and Alcide?), and proposed a day later. Those mitosis cells could have been someone else’s! Hence my problems with Nicole and Sam.

Eric wasn’t a badass this episode; instead, he turned inward and comforted Sookie, talked things out with suicidal Bill (really, Bill, I’d be slapping you, too) and learned why Bill is totally cool with his upcoming suicide (again, SLAP!), talked things out between Bill and Sookie, and then goes off on Ginger – before deciding to be nice and finally saying he’ll have sex with her. I’m being more eloquent than Ginger and Eric, but seeing as Ginger straddled him on the throne chair, he ripped offer her underwear, and Ginger nearly passed out with glee, we’re good. I wanted to puke when Eric offered her sex in the first place, but that whole scene was so un-Eric that I just don’t have words. But my friend Bethany does: “WHYYYYYYY?????” Don’t worry, B; I think all of the “True Blood” fandom was feeling those same emotions.

Pam comforts Jess – likely at a cost

Along with Eric’s softer side, Pam took a moment to hug a crying Jessica, whom Bill had just released at Jessica’s request. Of course that comfort came with a warning: “Cry on my jacket, you’re paying for it, sweetheart.” I pause here for a moment to salute Pam de Beaufort. Throughout every episode she has been in, that woman has been badder than bad in the most awesome ways. So many fans “oooh” and “aaah” over how great Sookie, Bill, Eric, etc. are, and I just go, “Yeah, but Pam’s so much better.” Here’s to you, Kristin Bauer van Straten! You are amazing and played the one character who, throughout the show, has never compromised her principles (because her only principle is  “Do whatever I want unless Eric says otherwise”). I will miss you more than any other character – except Lafayette, who is so like Pam, if only the wrong gender and a human – and hope you’re back on HBO or another TV show soon. *fingers crossed that show is Eric, Pam, and newly made vampire Lafayette taking over the world* Also, while taking Sarah/Numi/NewMe back to blonde (really, Anna Camp, you look better blonde – from one blonde to another!), Pam reveals a large part of her plan to their prisoner and future whore. The Yakuza act as though they don’t understand English (they did recognize the word “whorehouse”), but I’m not buying it. Also, for random hilarious political incorrectness, rewatch Pam telling the Yakuza “El gago. I need to removo.” Pam is simply the best.

Well, at least we end up with one couple finding happiness.

The happiest/sappiest news of this episode isn’t that Bridget leaves Hoyt and immediately heads for Jason, or that Sookie realizes she always only loved Bill (thanks to Arlene and her, um, “unique” perspective), or that Eric takes the time to understand Bill’s feelings and convey them to Sookie; it’s that, through some craziness that was so contrived by the producers, writers, and directors, Jessica and Hoyt got back together. Jason tells Bridget the truth about them just as Jessica tells Hoyt about their glamoured away relationship; according to Jason, they were true soul maters from the very beginning. Maybe it’s because I’m from the south, but Hoyt reminds me of a lot of guys I knew when I was younger: strong, dependable, loving, and just good. If no other romance works out in this show, I’m glad we had them again.

As we ended with Pam nearly dead, chained to a table with silver, and Eric betraying Sookie by telling the Yakuza and Mr. Gus of the Yakanomo Corporation that Sookie knows about Sarah “Numi/NewMe” Newlin, Bill knocks on Sookie’s door.

Any guesses where we’ll end the series? HBO used a picture of Anna Paquin as Sookie, in profile, crying a tear of blood. Will Sookie end up vampire? Despite what Bill says, Eric and he both know that there is more to Sookie than her fairy light and blood. They’re nice to have, but you don’t hang around for years just because your boyfriend (or girlfriend) has a great cologne (or perfume) he (she) uses. And Sookie loves Bill; that we are sure of. But does he love her enough to drink Sarah “Numi/NewMe” Newlin? Will Pam and Eric decide to sell Sarah “Numi/NewMe” Newlin to the highest buyer – as is part of their overall private plan – and make her the highest paid whore in history? Or, to get back at the Yakuza and Yakanomo for all their crap, will Pam turn her vampire? Will Sam show up after writing off his character and mayorship? Will Sookie care more about Jason getting an STD and/or some one night stand pregnant? Will Sookie do something with her hair and not wear some crappy looking outfit? Oh, the horror! Oh, such suspense!

We only have hours to go, Truebies. Are you ready for the true death of “True Blood?”

Final Episode Preview

Sookie Talks with Reverend Daniels


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