It’s no secret that HBO’s True Blood is one supernatural haven with quite a bevy of beautiful creatures–living or otherwise. As a faithful fangbanger myself, I thought I’d take a moment to run through the top 5 hottest guys and gals inhabiting our favorite Louisiana town. What makes them tick? What makes them so hot (figuratively for some, literally for others)? Why do we find ourselves longing for the gift of eternal life from Eric? A warm embrace from Alcide? What makes them so damn irresistible?
Top 5 Hottest Men of Bon Temps
Alcide Herveaux is a hardworking son by day, full-blooded Alpha male werewolf by night. His weaknesses include having too big a heart, trusting the wrong women, and resisting saving the day. He’s constantly saving Sookie Stackhouse from danger and swears the two would make the perfect match. (We agree, no?)
– Loves saving the women he cares about
– Looks good in flannel
– Willing to stand up for what’s right
Turn ons: Being a damsel in distress, being a mindreader, loyalty
Turn offs: Cheating, insanity, attempted muder, Vampires
Sheriff Northman is a stud through and through. He wields his power over any who try to threaten him, while also running the wildly popular vampire nightclub, Fangtasia. Some may see him as cold and heartless, others fall madly under his charm (memory loss non-withstanding).
– Can rock both short and long hair
– Knows how to dress
– Can fly
– Has a soft spot for family
Turn ons: Fairy blood, being a waitress, foreign women, his caretakers
Turn offs: Lying, the Authority, humans
Few folks have had as rough a life as one Same Merlotte. Though it appears he’s got his life together now, growing up with a no-good, rotten family and trying to hide his true Shifter self was hard on his sensitive soul. He wears his heart on his sleeve and he doesn’t care who knows it.
– Is fiercely loyal
– Flexible boss
– Will sacrifice himself for the greater good
– Adorable as human or dog
Turn ons: Shifters, blonde waitresses, money
Turn offs: Vampires, werewolves, shitty parents, dog fights
It’s a good thing Jason Stackhouse has that pretty little face of his. Though the brother of a fairy, Jason’s only real power is his ability to seduce just about anything with a pulse. He’s currently wrestling with the possible idea that he might be a were-panther, and the repercussions of sleeping with his best friend’s girl.
– Washboard abs
– Cares about his family
– Will inevitably seduce you
– Adorably gullible
Turn ons: Everything
Turn offs: Panther rape
The beau of sassy short-order cook Lafayette Reynolds, Jesus Velasquez is one special nurse. Blessed with the dark magic from an early age, Jesus finally found happiness with Lafayette. Unfortunately, he met his untimely death at the hands of said dark magic, leaving Lafayette to grieve over him for the foreseeable future.
– Fluent in Spanish
– Caring boyfriend
– Is a Brujo
Turn ons: Lafayette Reynolds, scrubs, being a short-order cook
Turn offs: Crazy grandfathers, Marnie, being stabbed
Top 5 Hottest Women of Bon Temps
Once the elder sister in a dismally strict Christian home, Jessica found new (eternal) life at the hands of her maker, Bill Compton. She’s since come into her own as a young baby vampire learning the ropes of feeding and killing, all the while trying hard to maintain a somewhat normal existence with human (ex) boyfriend Hoyt Fortenberry.
– Goes after what she wants
– Loyal daughter to Bill
Turn ons: innocent men, Taylor Swift, truckers
Turn offs: Tru Blood, bad tippers, Ms. Fortenberry
Bon Temps resident damsel in distress, Sookie Stackhouse is constantly finding herself in trouble. Torn between two vampires, reading people’s minds, and saving those she loves are all in a day’s work for this young fairy–that is when she’s not waiting table at Merlotte’s, anyway.
– Can harness magic
Turn ons: Vampires, Werewolves, memory loss, near-death experiences
Turn offs: Having to choose between two, using her house without permission, lying, Debbie Pelt
Undoubtedly Bon Temps’ most fiery lady, Tara Thornton makes no apologies for speaking her mind. She’s gotten the short end of the stick more times than not–a drunk mother, a sadistic vampire lover, a murdered boyfriend–she’s still willing to stick her neck out (figuratively) for those she cares most for.
– Would take a bullet for her friends
– Swings both ways
– Cage fighter physique
Turn ons: Being named after a breakfast food, Shifters, Jason Stackhouse
Turn offs: Fangs, drunks, hands like this
A fashionista she is, and shy about it she isn’t. Eric Northman’s progeny has a sharp tongue and even sharper teeth. She’ll put you in her place in a hot second if she thinks you’ve done her wrong. And don’t even think about hurting her maker–she’ll have your throat.
– Good at snarky banter
– Plump lips
– Looks good in leather
Turn ons: Women, fairies, pink, designer shoes
Turn offs: Sookie Stackhouse, mud, witches, facial decomposition
Another of our dearly departed residents of Louisiana, Queen Sophie-Anne was a grade A bitch. She acted tough, but in reality she was drowning in her own debt and weakening authority. After an unsuccessful run in the V black market, she met her end at the hands of one of her many enemies, Bill Compton.
– Knows how to wear pearls
– Queen of Louisiana
Turn ons: Board games, women, relatives of Sookie Stackhouse, black
Turn offs: The IRS, men, Bill Compton, Russell Edgington
So there you have it! The ten hottest hotties on HBO’s True Blood. What do you think, Trubies? Agree? Disagree? Leave us a comment below with your own thoughts on this very serious matter.
True Blood Season 5 begins on June 10.