This episode felt more like it was checking in with characters than it did moving things forward, but if you got up to go to the bathroom, you might have missed something. The segments were that short. Take a quick run through the episode with us, and keep your Hep-V antidote handy!
The audience at my headquarters emitted a collective groan as we traveled back to those thrilling days of yesteryear when everything was brown and… nothing was happening. I will say that the show did an excellent job taking years off of Stephen Moyer, 44, to make him look like a young twenty-something man in the American antebellum south. There were little things Moyer did too, like bumping into his mother’s umbrella and acting all annoyed. It would be interesting to see a step by step video and watch how they may have combined makeup, photography and CGI to achieve the effect. It would be more interesting than the flashbacks themselves.
Jason and Hoyt
Hoyt arrives back in Bon Temp to make arrangements for his mother Maxine’s body, as Jason vacuums his house in his skivvies. Hoyt still doesn’t remember Jason and Jessica, and he’s got a girlfriend named Bridget Bardot. (Did you notice that too?) Poor Hoyt just sits there in the morgue, going on a mommathon until they all end up in a group hug. Jason wants to be all over Bridget. Only three more episodes, Jason. Keep it in your pants this one last time! (Incidentally, that body on the table was way too skinny to be Maxine. I’m just saying.)
Sookie, Bill and Niall
Present day, Bill is just getting sicker, and Sookie calls on Niall hoping for magic help after that dwarf doctor lady runs off. It’s pretty clear at this point that fairy blood accelerates Hep-V–especially royal fairy blood. Can Niall help? Of course not! He just wastes the afternoon eating spaghetti, talking philosophy and inducing another flashback before bothering to tell Sookie that magic cannot help Bill. Does Niall know that Sarah Newlin is the cure? Would he tell Sookie even though he doesn’t like Bill for her? We’ll never know, because Sookie doesn’t bother to ask if there is something other than magic that can help Bill. She just tells Niall to go away. As I’m sure Niall would point out, there are no stupid questions; just stupid people.
Wade and Adelyn
As Andy and Holly search high and low for their missing lovesick kids,
Jaime and Cersei Wade and Adelyn have willingly followed the scorned vampire Violet into her sex toy dungeon. (I wonder how many props were stolen from THAT set.) Why doesn’t Andy have that girl on a leash? Anyway, Violet has trapped them down there now, and Jessica is on her way to rescue them. I’ve got a baaad feeling about this. Deborah Ann Woll has a goodbye on Instagram like Joe Manganiello. :-P Will Jessica go splat?
Arlene and Keith
Hey, Arlene finally gets a hot sexy vampire dream! I had a dream like that about Bruce Willis once. I was curled up on the back porch in a lawn chair that was 50 shades of wrong and– Sorry; wrong blog. Anyway, no matter how she feels about vampire Keith, she’s Hep-V positive, and they can never be together in that way. When she meets him later, she tells him that. However, in one of the sweetest moments of the show that doesn’t involve Lafayette, Keith says that they can just dance.
~*~ ♫Doesn’t that give you a warm squishy feeling of true love? Doesn’t he kind of look like Edward Cullen and she’s kind of old enough to be a Twilight Mom and if I take just the right combination of pharmaceuticals and chase it with a glass of chardonnay I could self-insert myself into the story and– ♪~*~
Wait– Isn’t Keith Hep-V positive anyway? Did Arlene not put her Hep-V positive mouth on his wrist when she drank from him? Did I miss something here?
Eric, Pam, and Sarah
Sarah’s lost her marbles, but she’s not the only one. After Eric stakes her sister Amber, he and Gus strike a deal for Sarah’s capture. The negotiation came only after Pam had to remind him that Sarah was the cure and he should not kill her. Does Hep-V affect the vampire mind as well, or does Eric have a death wish like Godric now? Gus finds Sarah using tech from the Japanese government and has the chance to betray Eric, but he doesn’t. They go after Sarah at the decaying Fellowship of the Sun church. This had better not turn out to be some kind of Russell Edgington chase to the last minute. She’s a crazy human, not Wolverine.
I’m surprised that Gus didn’t betray Eric. Will he do so later? I hope not. These days the twist would be someone who keeps their word– as long as Eric ain’t misbehavin’.
Oh– and was there no money in the budget for lipstick for Kristin Bauer van Straten this season? Look at that picture. Come on!
If you blinked, you missed them
Sam is struggling with deciding whether or not to stay in Bon Temp or to leave with… Nicole? Janet? Beyonce? I don’t remember. Don’t be a dirtbag, Sam. Don’t just send a check every month. Go be with your kid. I’m not looking forward to emergency childbirth during a last battle scenario anyway. Here’s hoping this gets resolved quickly.
Lafayette and Lettie May are digging in the yard where Tara grew up for… I’m not certain. I’m pretty sure they don’t know either. Does Ghost!Tara know, or is this all part of a vampire blood induced hallucination? (There are no stupid questions…) Why doesn’t Lafayette use his medium powers and simply ask Tara what she wants, if anything?
Oh well. Like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop, the world may never know. :-P
Check out the clip for next week’s episode, and leave your comments below!