I would also like to take this opportunity to introduce you to this week’s special guest star: Warlow’s hair piece, Marvin.
Worst wig EVER.
Warlow’s wig goes by the name of Marvin Costello, and his performance goes uncredited in this episode. Marvin is here to replace Nora, who is not in this episode. They were hoping we wouldn’t notice. Anyway, now that you have seen the wig, you won’t be distracted by how awful it is and we can get on with the show.
See? The credits didn’t mention Marvin. Anyway, Warlow sans Marvin is getting all hot and bothered with Sookie on the couch. She’s onto him though, and is holding him at bay with her little ball of light– the nuclear option, you’ll remember, since she will no longer be fairy if she uses it. Warlow now claims that he saved Sookie from her parents, who were trying to kill her. She gives him a warning zap, which alerts Billith.
Jessica seems to have killed Andy’s four fairy daughters, and is high and in hysterics. She never should have been left alone with them, and Billith knows that. Honestly, cooking up synthetic fairy blood is a project more suited to Eric, who has a lot more self-control, not to mention more common sense than Billith. At what point will anyone hold Billith accountable for his incompetence? I can just see his lawyer defending him in court. “But Your Honor, my client is an idiot!”
Billith is trying to calm Jessica down when his Spidey senses start tingling. He accellerates to The Speed of Fangst™ and rushes to Sookie’s place. Sookie thinks Billith is there for her. YES, Sookie, this show was all about YOU once upon a time, but we have a bunch of tertiary characters and mad sub plots we have to cram in now. Billith commands Warlow to come with him, and Warlow must comply, because Billith is his maker.
WAITER! As your customer I command you to bring worcestershire sauce! Oh, and a Bud light for my furry friend Marvin!
Then we are treated to Warlow and Marvin the wig’s origin story. Warlow and his trusty dome-topper Marvin once lived happily in 3500 BC with his fairy village. Lillith appeared out of nowhere and instead of eating the most luscious thing on earth besides bacon, she had sex with her food and turned him into one of her. Lillith told him that he would be the salvation of vampires. Warlow was 100% all for this until he returned to his village and ate everyone except Niall, Sookie’s fairy grandfather. In return, he 86ed Lillith, and has been sparkling around the world– Warlow is also fairy, so sparkling vampires have come full circle. Yes, it’s come to this.
Meanwhile, Andy goes to Chez Billith’s looking for his fully grown, missing half-fairy daughters, and finds them dead– we think. Full blooded fairies turn to dust when they die; would halflings really leave bodies behind? Andy finds one alive and takes her out of the house. He gives her some vampire blood from an evidence box to heal her. While she sleeps, he and Holly decide to call off the search and tell people that the other girls ran home to their mother.
Surely they do this to hide the girl’s fairy origins. Since the world is going buck wild hunting down vampires, fairies could be next. However, a better bet might be that they are trying to avoid massive piles of red tape and attorneys’ fees. Wait– couldn’t Andy’s sister Portia clear up any legal hassles, or is she still screaming from her last vampire encounter? Anyway, Andy wants justice for his daughters, but that will have to wait.
In the werewolf/Sam on the run thread, Alcide asks for help at a rural bar, but the locals aren’t interested in talking to city wolves. When Papa Herveaux points this out, Alcide tells him to get out of his way and shut the front door. Sam won’t let his latest love interest phone home from the motel where they’re staying with Emma, as they all run from the wolf pack. When Papa Herveaux sees Sam later, he keeps it to himself and stays with his lady friend in the same motel.
Hey! Y’all got any of that gray poop-on? We’re out of Astroglide up here!
Terry, in the story arc that just never stops, is feeling guilty about everyone he has ever killed, including his creepy marine buddy Patrick, who he killed in self-defense last season. He meets with yet another creepy marine buddy, Justin. Terry wants this man to kill him in a couple of days after he’s gotten his affairs in order. I don’t know what’s creepier– Terry asking him to kill him, or Justin saying yes. I don’t like where this is going.
Governor Truman Burrell is the human Determinator, keeping up the war on vampires even though his own daughter Willa has been turned. He’s taking Willa to the vampire camp himself, but his girlfriend Sarah Newlin isn’t having it. She wants Truman to stay home, marry her and get her pregnant, in that order. I cringed at Sarah’s desperate dialogue with Truman. Sarah could have everything she wants if she would just be patient, but she needs someone to unwrap her some kind of bad, and that’s Jason Stackhouse’s specialty.
Sarah must be really good with Google maps, because she immediately shows up on Jason’s doorstep and they end up in the sack. If I were Jason I would move to another house– or at least put up a neon open/closed sign. People and supes seem to just show up at his place all the time. (Really– how many times does this happen in a season?) He and Sarah go for a round in the sack, and finish barely in time for Jessica to knock on his door. Sarah and Jessica get into a fight, and when Jessica leaves, she is arrested and taken to vamp camp.
I am never orderin’ pizza in this town again!
Last year, vampires were religious fanatics. This year, they’re being rounded up into camps, because that’s what humans do when they encounter anyone who is the least bit different from them. The camp is exceptionally clean, and comes complete with horrifying nightmare scenarios from a terrifying alternate universe where Nazi Germany won. It even has acronyms (LDP – Living Donor Program – shudder). This place makes Billith look good. Now they’ve got Pam, Tara, Eric, and Jessica, all for studying and experimentation.
Tara and Eric went in there voluntarily– gave themselves up to the cops to get in. They’re keeping an eye out for Pam while Jessica continues on the freak-out train from eating Andy’s daughters. Tara may have made a new friend. Eric is playing the vampire hunger games when he’s not intimidating his cellmates looking for Pam. When Eric discovers they have his new progeny, Willa, he seems upset. Is it because he didn’t think Burrell would intern his own daughter, or is it because he cares for his newly created baby vamp? Pam humors a therapist so she can snack on an “LDP,” but she probably talks more than she should. (All who want to stake the therapist like I do, please post in the comments!)
As Lafayette says, TIP YO’ WAITRESS!
Sarah Newlin, who seems to be able to travel at warp speed, is now at the camp too, and her ex-husband Steve is there. He gleefully brags to the governor that he gave them special intel– remember, Steve is a tree swaying in the wind, and he’s just so proud and happy to be here! Eventually Eric and Governor Burrell exchange a couple of expletives, then the big reveal– Eric and Pam must duel Gladiator-style to the death with wooden stakes.
I guess this is what Sarah Newlin considers a kind of pre-engagement present for the Governor. Trust me when I say this, Sarah– all a man wants is a cold six pack and custody of the remote. Then all you have to do is make him a sandwich, and he’ll give you anything. You’re doing it wrong!
Is that a sandwich in your pocket, honey? ‘Cause if it’s not, I ain’t interested.
Sookie, who used to be in this show, sits down with Lafayette for a séance, because nothing bad ever comes from Lafayette’s interaction with the spirit world. We discover that Warlow went to her parents years ago to take her and make her an immortal vampire fairy princess, but Sookie’s parents, especially her father, did not want Warlow to take her. What do you do when someone offers your child eternal life? Why, you kill the child of course! Who wants to live forever? Papa Corbett leaps into Lafayette’s body, and takes Sookie to the river to drown her, and last we see, Corbett/Lafayette is holding Sookie’s head under water as she screams.
Do you remember Warlow? Scroll back up to the top. No, not Marvin the wig, the fairy vampire! Bill’s holding him captive in his dungeon with that Japanese scientist. Warlow really does not like Billith. They’re in a standoff while Warlow threatens to kill the scientist. Warlow wants to extinction of vampires, and wants nothing to do with Billith’s prophecy about saving them.
And what’s Jason going to do? Well, it looks like he’s joining the LAVTF– Louisiana Vampire Task Force– because Jessica is in trouble, and I think it’s Jason to the rescue. (It would have been a lot cooler if it were alcohol, vampires, tobacco and firearms, but you can’t have everything and live in Bon Temps too.)