Folks, it’s time to congratulate yourselves. You have survived this mind-numbingly, insane, illogical season. I’m proud of you!
Unfortunately, not everyone lived to see this 70th episode with us. A brief tribute to the (permanently) dead:
Luna Garza. We saw you for a few minutes this season, you entrusted your child to your boyfriend of a few weeks (who then, after two or so episodes, dumped her with her grandmother who you hated), and then you died. I missed you. You were one of the strong females in the show, and now you’re gone. Plus, after all your work to save Emma, you should have been able to spend time with her. You are missed… even if Sam moved on completely and never thought about you again. Bad Sam!
Gov. Truman Burrell. Sorry, no one cares. The grossest thing about your death was Sarah Newlin kissing your decapitated head that looked super fake anyway.
Nora Gainesborough. You will be missed… and remembered as a disintegrated pile of goo. Because of you, Eric went into a crazy Viking rampage. I will always love you for giving us that in an otherwise fairly light violence season.
Terry Bellefleur. You toyed with our feelings by dying, confused us with whether or not you were buried, and gave us insight we may or may not have wanted with the flashbacks at your funeral. Thanks?
This review is going to go fairly chronologically because we weren’t in 20 different places this week. As far as the episode goes, well, I opt for the True Death. How can this series get any worse? This season has been abysmally bad, and it’s been renewed for another season. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’ve been a Truebie from season 1. I’ve read all the books. I love this show. But really, guys? Really, directors and producers? THIS is the best you could do?
With this episode’s title being “Radioactive,” I was seriously hoping for some Imagine Dragons to come pouring through my speakers. And they did not disappoint! I’m pounding out the beat on my computer right now. Way to go, TB! Let’s see how long my favorable opinion lasts… Oh, wait, it’s already gone with the first scene. Anyway, let’s get this started! (Please don’t ask me to rate this episode. I don’t want to be dealing with negative numbers at the moment.)
Sookie and Alcide are walking through the graveyard after Terry’s funeral. Probably this should be more charming, what with Alcide being supportive and offering life advice, but it’s not. He makes a comment about the ground and Sookie tries to joke about him laying cement for a living, but it just fails. Plus we’ve spent far too much time in the cemetery this season. Yes, that does include Fairyland. Alcide says something about wanting to get in Sookie’s head, to which she says it’s not a place many people want to go. Alcide smells vampires but wait! It’s during the day! How is this happening? So they go to the Compton Place, where the vampires are daywalking. Bill’s shirt is torn and bloody, but everyone’s walking and skipping and being happy outside. People are taking off their clothes, running around, kissing – basically, it’s a vampire free love fest. Jessica invites everyone into the house, but no one goes. Pam is doing cartwheels and rolling around on the ground. The vamps are trying to decide what games to play outside, and croquet and volleyball sound good. One guy even yells, “Who’s making a Target run?” What they don’t say until later is that all these vamps are higher than kites from that fairy/vampire/Billith blood, or whatever the heck it is. Sookie thinks it a great idea to join the vampires and starts to head over there, but Alcide isn’t happy with that. But y’all, Sookie is a survivor! So who cares if her fairy blood is delicious and the vampires are high and in the sun and this makes zero sense, right? The show keeps trying to make her into a martyr or something and it’s not working; instead, she’s coming across as emo and immature and is NOT a strong woman. But hey, don’t forget, she says she’s a survivor!
Sookie meets Violet, who has Jason kinda wrapped up in a tree and is feeding on him. He has three or four open wounds, but it’s all good! Violet gives him some of her blood instead of having sex with him. Violet gets super jealous of Sookie being Jason’s sister, then decides that Sookie is her sister… which means it’s time to make out with her? (Was I the only one getting a “Game of Thrones” feel on that?) Pam and Tara come over, hug Sookie, and talk about how amazing the light is. I get it – you’re vampires and creatures of the night. But Tara, you’ve been a vamp for, what, three weeks? Four? You remember the sun. Tara does give us them gem of a quote, though: “Bill gave us his magical blood and now there’s light!” Uh… What? I think that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard a television character say, and yet it sums up the last episode. So yeah… Sookie says goodbye and goes off to Fairyland.
And guess what she finds? Why, a lovely decorated cemetery filled with light, a chandelier, a maypole, garland, flowers… You know what? Here’s a picture:
Benlow has outdone himself with decorations for
h is wedding to So okie turning Sookie into his fairy vampire bride. That is still the weirdest phrase ever. I would make some kind of comment about the maypole and all being very odd in a cemetery but, hey, it’s “True Blood” and logic fails. Sookie tries to hold off on the wedding and being turned because, in the four hours she’s been gone, everything has changed: “It’s not the amount of time. It’s that I just watched my friend get buried,” she says.
Yeah, sure. Benlow blows that off by saying he’s seen way more people die and it’s all cool. Sookie wants her say, though: “There’s no denying I have feelings for you. You’ve awakened something in me. But what has changed is that my friends are safe and you’re no longer in danger. So there’s no ticking clock.” Basically, Sookie, you are stalling and DON’T keep your promises. She knows just what will make their eternal relationship work: dating! Yes. Let’s introduce a 5,500+ year old fairy vampire to your friends, boss, brother, and the town. That sounds terrific, Sookie. But no no no! Benlow is having none of it – and rightly so. He hits Sookie, then grabs her and snarls, “Who the f**k do you think you’re talking to?” Oh no! A male threatened Sookie! I bet he dies. Who wants to take bets on this with me? You know you’ll lost because he was introduced only for this season as the bad guy. Why must you follow this formula ALWAYS, TB? It’s so old after 6 seasons!
Back at the Compton Place, the vampires are playing volleyball. Jason and Jessica exchange high-fives, Violet gets pissed and directs a serve straight at Jessica, Jessica falls over… Oh, yeah. This Jason-Violet-“Jason is mine!” thing is totally going to work. Pam is coming off her blood buzz and wonders where Eric is. As she’s watching everyone frolic in the sun, she’s been deciding that Eric needs to be found. Amen, Pam!! When Tara tries to stop her, Pam threatens to release Tara. Before she leaves, she tells Tara to watch after Willa (where IS Willa???) before flying off to find Eric.
Bill is inside, in the dark, brooding, because that’s all Bill is good for these days. He’s no longer Billith because, when he fed all of the vamps, he lost his powers. Or something. You really can’t tell if he’s lost his powers or not, but he’s sure determined to blame it on Sookie, because what else is she good for these days? Jess comes in and talks to Bill about what he’s doing. He tells her about Benlow and the Sookie Situation. “Bill Compton would walk through fire to save her life!” Jess yells. Yeah, Bill Compton, not Billith. Apparently Jess has yet to make that distinction. Jason comes in and, after hearing what’s up with Benlow and telling everything that Benlow killed his parents, it’s “Let’s Go Save Sookie!” time. And I thought we’d get through a season without it… Then Jason threatens to kill Bill over putting Sookie in this situation and the Vampire A-Team (+Jason) roll out to grab half-fae Adilyn who can open the door to Fairyland.
Jason arrives at Andy’s and explains the Benlow situation. If Adilyn doesn’t come, all hope is lost! Or something like. Andy says no, Adilyn says yes, and, of course, the two week old halfling wins the fight. Her logic: she couldn’t save her sisters, but she may be able to save Sookie. Side note: how has she stopped growing? Has she just planed off or something? How did Andy explain her to his grandmother or people at the funeral? What could happen because only one of the four and not half of them survived to adulthood? Oh wait, continuity and logic + “True Blood.” Never mind. Andy finally gives in and decides to help, but “We’re going in heavy.” Not surprisingly, Andy has an impressive arsenal of vampire-killing weapons.
Back in Fairyland, Sookie is tied to the maypole, and not in a good, happy way. Benlow is walking around monologuing and being an evil villain: “Do you think I’ve waited 5,500 years to be a part of your community? To share you with your friends of low birth in f***ing Bon Temps?” See, he’s still angsty because he was never meant to be a vampire and Lilith ruined his life and all that jazz that I don’t care about. These two emos deserve each other. Sookie breaks free and threatens to throw away her light, but Benlow stops her. Before turning her, Benlow sums up Sookie pretty well: “You risk everything on the hope that you are special, that you’ll be saved by some unique love the vampires have for you. But you should’ve trusted your first instinct. You knew me better than I knew myself, because as it turns out I do just want to f**k you and own you and use you for your blood.” Then night falls and he launches himself at her neck. Hey, she did call herself the town whore earlier. Just sayin’…
The Vampire/Fairy/Human A-Team is on the move! Bill shows up to help them out. Violet scares Adilyn into using her light to open the portal, and then they’re in the Fairyland. (This show just gets cornier and cornier.) Jason shoots Sookie free (no joke), Bill attacks Benlow, Violet grabs Sookie, Benlow gets impaled on a stone angel wing but doesn’t die (haha), Bill sacrifices himself so that the Vampire A-Team can get away with Sookie, and then they disappear. Of course, without his powers and being a moper again, Bill is nothing more than a nuisance to Benlow, and both escape Fairyland to get Sookie in a final burst of light.
At the Stackhouse Place, Violet gives Sookie some of her blood. Benlow appears, nearly kills Andy, Violet, and Jason, then explains to Bill that Lilith and his (her?) powers are gone before blasting him out of the house. In this moment, I like you, Benlow. Bill needs to be blasted more often. The point is that Benlow cannot be killed by anything apparently. Where is Niall when you need him? He’d know what to do! Then again, he tracked Warlow for centuries and didn’t know Ben was Warlow, so… Oh wait. Logic! Anyway, Benlow locks Jason, Andy, and Adilyn up in Eric’s cubbyhole and seals it with light, which Adilyn breaks through thanks to her fairy powers. Benlow finds Sookie trying to create the light orb in the shower, grabs her, and gets ready to feed. But then! NIALL REAPPEARS THROUGH THE PORTAL! He grabs Benlow, Jason stakes Benlow, and Benlow dies with “Sookie” as his dying word.
Of course, no one really figured Benlow would become a fixture of the show, so another season-introduced character dies in the season finale. With With Benlow’s death, though, the magical blood loses its powers, and the vamps can no longer daywalk… which is bad news for a certain Viking vampire sunbathing naked in Sweden:
Now look, we all know that if Eric dies, the show is over. We could do a poll right here and know who would watch the show without Eric, and I guarantee that at least 80% of people would no longer watch. Also: there’s shade right nearby. He can vamp run into that. AND Pam was flying to find him. She’s going to scoop in at the last minute and save him. If “True Blood” actually kills off Eric, NO ONE will watch anymore. Please tell me that the show understands this very simply principle.
We jump 6 months into the future because this show likes to confuse us. Sookie and Alcide are together. Bill wrote a best-selling book about being Billith, killing Gov. Burrell, Hep V, and everything from this season, but, even though he confessed to murdering God knows how many people, no one cares or is considering prosecution against him. I’m still wondering what the heck happened to Eric, but continue, storyline. Jason and Violet are still together, but not having sex quite yet – well, Jason isn’t getting any, to put it mildly. I don’t care. WHERE IS ERIC?
There’s a meeting at a church, and that preacher that married Tara’s mom is on the pulpit. I can’t remember his name because WHERE IS ERIC???? Outside, Sam (who is now the mayor?) and Andy have a debate about separating church and state. Inside, there are blood tests being done to find out who is Hep V positive. No one trusts anyone. Wow, it’s a big ole WELCOME BACK TO BON TEMPS, Y’ALL! Nicole is still around and very pregnant. Sam takes the pulpit and promotes a monogamous feeding relationship with a vampire to protect yourself against the roaming Hep V positive vamps. What the heck? What did I just see and hear??? Arlene has bought Merlotte’s and turned it into Bellefleur’s Bar and Grille where there will be an outdoors human and vampire mingle that night. Apparently the directors were true to their word in saying that all the stories would return to Bon Temps, but really? Monogamous feeding relationships? What the heck, people? AND WHERE IS LAFAYETTE IN THIS EPISODE???
At the mingling (I have no creative words left, so go with me), Tara’s mom, Lettie Mae, apologizes to Tara for everything that ever went wrong in her life. Again. For the third or tenth time now, I’ve lost count. Lettie Mae has guilt over not feeding Tara when she was younger. I get it – guilt issues follow you forever. She willingly offers herself and her neck to Tara. But what’s the endgame here? I think Lettie Mae is Hep V positive and trying to kill her daughter. Tara takes the bait, er, bite and feeds on her mom. Gross…..
Jess shows up at the Bellefleur Mansion and apologizes for killing three of Andy’s children, but ensures that Adilyn and he will always have her protection. Even if they don’t want it, which they don’t.
Bill finds Sookie and Alcide leaving the mingling and he asks for time alone with Sookie. Alcide refuses. Bill insists that she needs a vampire in her life for protection, which ticks off Alcide understandably. So what does Bill do? Offer her his protection. Then everyone smells something… INCOMING HEP V VAMPS who are not sick and weak like Nora, but strong and patrolling the woods at night for helpless human victims like zombies searching for brains!! Why there would be an outside party AT NIGHT when roving vampires are on the loose makes no sense to me, but, hey, it’s “True Blood,” so logic fails again. We end the season with these creepy Hep V vamps going after the people at the mingling.
And the episode ends, and, thank God, so does the season. This episode was pointless filler and ending plots that were going nowhere as soon as they aired. What a lousy season. I could care less what happens to Bon Temps and Sookie and Bill and Alcide and all of them. I don’t care about Nicole being pregnant with Sam’s kid. I DON’T CARE. I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE ERIC IS, DARN IT. And so does the rest of the world.
REACTIONS FROM FELLOW HBOWATCH WRITERS:
Tamara: I could have eaten a box of Alphabits and crapped a better script than that. I doubt if Eric is dead. Pam went after him, and we didn’t see her at the end, either.
MJ: This episode was awful, I was so bummed. It felt like it was endless and Eric? Really? Gods if he’s gone there will be no one watching next year. And that was cheezily done, too. Sookie with Alcide makes me so annoyed and I don’t like Nicole hanging around at all. I am so annoyed with Sookie in general and I really don’t like Violet. :P And why does Tara look like a man all of a sudden?
Marc: Here’s some questions I had after the episode, so spoilers if you haven’t seen it yet. How could Sam be elected mayor if no less than three people have died in ridiculous circumstances who he happened to employ? Based on previous episodes, we know other vampires had to have drank infected true blood, yet Eric and Bill let everyone out at once, and some people who weren’t anywhere near the sun chamber somehow also fed on Bill. Did they inadvertently cause the outbreak? Did Warlow only turn into an asshole at the end because they needed to kill off the vampire that breaks the world since he’s overpowered? How did Rutger Hauer (Because screw whatever his character name is his name is Rutger Hauer that’s awesome) know to break through the portal at that exact moment if time works differently in the other dimensions? What would have happened if the battle didn’t just happen to take place in the bathroom where that portal is? Why would Alcide agree to go steady with Sookie if in this situation he’s clearly become a Beta with whom she’s settling, and why would Sookie go steady with him if he’s a supernatural being she complains all the time about trying to get away from? Did Sookie just give up all her concerns about one day dying and being forced to confront her parents? If the disease was strong enough to make Eric’s sister (because screw whatever her name was since she was crazy and unremorseful) debilitatingly weak as it killed her, why do these vampires who look like they’re in the later stages of sickness seem to be able to act like normal vampires, and why if she was able to retain her personality do these ones seem like zombies? Why did Sam think pairing humans with vampires is a good idea considering that since true blood isn’t being produced vampires should be going crazy on all sides for blood? Why aren’t vampires on all sides going crazy for blood instead of just sick ones? Is this supposed to be a metaphor for aids (If so that’s pretty offensive)? Why after all that talk about a fairy’s light being used as a weapon would the weapon never be used on a vampire? Why doesn’t Warlow if he’s turned into an asshole not immediately kill all the people in his way instead of strongly pushing them from which they can conveniently recover. Why is there no mention of Jason getting blood on his hands the episode after he says he’s tired of blood on his hands? Why did they let Sarah Newlin go if she’s the (pardon me) biggest most twatlingly annoying character on the show as a one dimensional sociopath with no love behind the hatred for her that runs so deep?
All I can say is that Angry Panda properly expresses my rage. Until next season, Truebies.
Season 7 is confirmed and will premiere Summer 2014. We’ll get an exact premiere date to you when we know it.